On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

oooh, looking forward to this one! George Lazenby’s one & only outing as Bond. Starts right off with a car chase and then a girl in the most 60s dress ever trying to drown herself. So romantic! She can’t be that far gone, she only just waded in. He’s pretty sexy for not being Sean Connery. Wait! It’s a trap! No shit.

BIFF! BAM! JUDO CHOP!

The titles are weird. Flashback clips? It’s disorienting.

Hmmm. He’s not actually all that cute. He has one of those long mobile Michael Palin British faces.

Yo, if it’s a trap the 1st time you chase her, maybe just maybe it might be the second as well? I mean, duh.

Oh god I covet that lamp.

Bond, in a brown high end leisure suit, is being kidnapped. Ah, to the docks.

Oookay, there’s a dwarf sweeping floors. That was random!

I think this is Italy. No, apparently it’s Corsica. Extremely melodramatic place. With swelling strings. Pity the screenwriter wasn’t drowned in the first trap.

What she needs is a man! A man to dominate her! A man to make love to her! A man to barf a little in his mouth. I added that last bit.

Moneypenny in a black and white plaid suit! OMG that suit!

So he quit. Now all the songs are playing as he pulls out souvenirs from every movie…what is this, the tacky Bond film? It’s too meta.

Oh a bullfight. Yay. Ok ok these animals all died long ago when I was in preschool. Still, Jesus.

Bokeh! That means LURVE!

A combo copy machine & safe cracker – handy! And Bond looking at Playboy. In the hallway. Gross. Just, gross.

KNIFE SHOES LADY! I love her so much!

VW bug!

Bond in a kilt. In a harem! Full of babes in craaaaazy fashions! And dinner rotates in.

And Bond rotates into a curly headed girl.who is being hypnoTIZED. By disco lights. And then another girl. The magic dick survives cast changes!

Where is Blofelds cat? Also, Blofeld smokes funny. Do all super villains hold their cigarettes like that? Awkward.

Sure, lock Bond in with the clockwork that runs the cable car, what could possibly go wrong?

The hypnoTIZED unwitting secret agent chicks are being controlled by makeup! Ah ha, the dark side of Sephora revealed.

Ski chase! One ski chase!  Several minions down. Now an ice carnival…I didn’t realize this was a Christmas movie, remind me to not watch it next December.

OK the stock car race chase on ice was exceedingly cool. And now, a blizzard. And a barn and his true bokeh spit curled love in a mink coat.

More skiing. Some really sweet shots. Avalanche!

What is a secret lair without a super top secret elaborate bobsled run escape route? Every lair should have one! Also the Winter Olympics would be more interesting with live ammo.

Whoa holy shit, wedding! With M & Q ! And a teary Moneypenny. I didn’t expect this, now why do I suspect it’s going to end badly. ….Surprise..the obligatory dead girl.

and end on a weepy pathos soaked note.

Well! That was pretty terrible! And also long! This was the worst one yet. Worse than You Only Live Twice. Worse than From Russia With Love. The lair sucked. The love interest got too serious. Not enough Q and Blofeld dropped his cat, who said mew indignantly. Knife Shoe Lady didn’t kick anyone and the script was full of howlers. I give it a C- : would be a D but the scenery and the skiing and the bobsled battle almost redeem it.

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