You Only Live Twice

here I am, watching Bond films while America burns. My DVD player is making a grinding noise, let’s hope it holds on. There is much Bond left to watch, assuming the world holds out. It’s even odds, right now.

Live Blog

Space! Space was new and shiny then. ..but that is one fake ass space capsule. Being eaten by another, bullet shaped space capsule. Is this the first dead astronaut of thriller cinema?

Aaand cue  Bond in bed with an Asian chick, saying something racist. Well then he dies, fair cop.

The song! Stranger danger comes up, no seriously, those are the lyrics. Holy shit it’s Nancy Sinatra – and the screenplay is by Roald Dahl!

Postcard view of a much smaller and less polluted Hong Kong.

Divers…are bodies in sea burials always mummified? Oh look, he’s alive! Moneypenny on a submarine! And M’s office, beautifully & completely replicated on a sub. I do love these movies.

Moneypenny says, how was the girl? This is kinda creepy, right?

Ooooh snobby: A first in oriental languages at Cambridge. Also he can tell where vodka comes from, which is more than I can do.

Tokyo! Sumo wrestlers!

James just took a dude out with a couch. In what I think is the lair set from Dr. No. It looks suspiciously familiar.

Babe in blue dress and scarf tosses him down a slide! Round TVs! Bond is wearing spats. Or really weird shoes.

Serving girls. Horrifying sexism at this point. “Your English girls would never perform this service” “I will enjoy serving under you.” Yikes. Ugh.

Car chase! With amazing cars! They’re skyping in the car! With a totally cool screen built in the dash! Helicopter picked up car with giant magnet! And ditched it in the ocean. A little harsh perhaps.

Pan out for a rooftop dock fight. It’s like watching the rituals of a vanished civilization.

Torture babe in sequined gown. Impressively aquanetted hair. And insta sex. And yet another complicated murder plot.

Tiny yellow personal helicopters. They had better tech in the 60s. Including shiny silver spaceships with perfect skinny robot legs! Ah that is a thing of beauty.

Spectre cat dude is here!

Evil lair has evil monorail. And piranha. Aqua net lady is fish food and evil Japanese industrialist of funky white hair  has kill Bond mandate.

Ninjas! They’re noisy ninjas.

and the requisite dead girl.

Pearl divers! Dead girl easily replaced. This movie is a little more upfront with the racism / sexism. Pity because it’s otherwise pretty cool.

Replacement girl’s virtue is no match for Bond’s magic dick! She is actually pretty badass. I would not, myself, want to climb a mountain in a white bikini.

The round monorail car is about the most stylish thing ever. I want one.

Send in reserve astronaut. Bond meets Blofeld! And his peculiarly lethargic kitty. Why doesn’t that cat run for it? Here at last is the villain of a thousand parodies. He’s pretty ripe for parody.

Big lair firefight. How did the Noisy Ninjas rappel in with those swords? How did Bond know about the piranhas? He wasn’t there for the demos.

Oh look crazy Americans about to start global thermonuclear war. This is not working out as well as a piece of pure light escapism as one had hoped. Is it possible Bannon is Blofeld’s son? It would explain a lot.

Hmm. Nancy is singing again and Bonds tryst with his replacement Japanese girlfriend is cancelled by a submarine and also some inexplicable lava. It’s over. Phew, because this was just not as good as Thunderball. The really upfront sexism and some nasty Asian stereotypes, plus plot holes: C+ But, excellent tech and an entertaining if a bit National Geographicy Visit to 60s Japan, where women knew their place, ugh. Anyway, I am floating off until next time, sadly without Sean Connery in my space capsule.

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