Things That Have Happened Since My Last Update

  • I had a yard sale. It was quite fun, particularly since my two best friends and my daughter and her best friend all helped out. And by helped I mean we started drinking bloody marys at 11 am. It is amazing how much vodka helps you deal with the public. In a related note specially to the lady who left a note on my door the morning after the yard sale, why yes, I am ready to hear your offer for my giant terra cotta plant pots which you thought were too expensive at $5 apiece! You’re right, the price HAS changed! I am now prepared to take $20 each for them.
  • I was supposed to have a party after the yard sale but I didn’t. Instead, I turned off the lights, closed the curtains and put a big sign on the door that said PARTY CANCELLED TOO TIRED WE SUCK YOU GO HAVE FUN. Then Audrey and Jay and I, feeling retro, settled in with a pizza to happily watch Diva and several episodes of The Prisoner. Fortunately, none of my other friends showed up anyway! Turns out we all suck equally.
  • I worked my ASS OFF for the four days preceding the yard sale and then again directly afterwards. My house is still filthy, horrible and stuffed with, well, stuff but slightly less filthy and horrible and crammed than it was before. I, however, am tired. But I’m not afraid of the garage anymore.
  • David the real estate agent came over on Wednesday and looked at my entire house. I am now waiting to hear from him to see if I can actually sell this place or if I am fated to remain here forever, slowly crystallizing like Miss Havisham only with more vodka and louder music. He said, and I quote, “Well, Felicity, there are three key elements to real estate: location, square footage and condition. You have location and square footage!” Yeah.
  • Home Depot, in a crazy lapse of sanity, gave me a ginormous credit card, so if I do end up staying, I might be able to do something about that condition issue. Or at least I could buy the materials and put them in the living room for a couple of years while I weep a lot.
  • In quick news, the iMac died, which has sort of soured me on Apple altogether because, fuck that, my PC is twice its age and still chugging along. I have already spent the yard sale money on a crazy orgy of eating luxurious foods like pizza and subs and also I bought a skirt and top at Ross Dress for Less and a new canister of CO2 for the soda stream and a mandoline so I can make more of the thin refrigerator pickles – these, to be specific – that I have become hopelessly, completely addicted to. And, in other addiction news, psst, hey, kid – why don’t you try out Sim City Buildit? (evil laugh)
  • And I think that’s it.
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