Some Stuff I Thought This Morning

Woke up too early again. Candy crush can only fill so much time even when you’re stuck on the desperate and infuriating level 165 and – maybe because I went to bed at like 9 – I couldn’t get back to sleep after 7 this morning. So I lay there and thought bad thoughts.

Even if your life only extends to the Biblical three score and ten, that still leaves at least 20 years in which you have probably already borne and raised your kids and cared for and buried your parents, sort of the quintessential life tasks. What exactly are you supposed to be doing with those next twenty years, then? Particularly if drinking has started making you throw up for three days running, the question looms. Bus tours through Tuscany or Anderson, SC? Selfless good deeds? Acquiring filthy lucre (note: I would be down with that answer if it seemed even remotely possible)? I can’t quite figure it out.

What the hell was up with the Rainbow Fish, anyway? Was it written by a shadowy cartel of right wing pseudo intelligentsia trying to create a false picture of socialism so monstrous, children would weep with terror and vote for Rand Paul? Why did the Rainbow Fish have to give up all his scales and look exactly like all the other fish until the ocean was swarming with unhappy, identical replicants? That shit never happens in Scandinavia, yo. There are other answers for the scale deprived. In a fair, sustainable aqua community those fish could have made their own damn scales out of sand and worn them upside down on their heads and everything would have been okay.

While we’re eviscerating beloved children’s books, has anyone else ever noticed that Rotten Ralph exists mainly as a blueprint for teaching girls how to act in horrifically dysfunctional relationships? Look, if Ralph was a dude with a chain wallet and a mullet instead of an oversized red cat, the following would not be cute.

Ralph destroyed the Christmas tree and tore up all the presents. “Oh Ralph,” sighed Sarah, “I love you anyway.”

No, Sarah. Do not continue with the Ralph love. Ralph needs to go to the pound.

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